By Tami Klink
Well, it's that time of year again. Family gatherings, office parties, getting together with friends...
Sure, it's fun to 'eavesdrop' on the conversations around you if you are a good lip reader, but you have no one to say a humorous comment to when you see a pretty interesting conversation going on. And, people would be absolutely horrified to know that you can 'hear' what they are saying even though you are not in their general vicinity. I've had people get quite angry with me when I've jumped in from across the room and added to the topic. They look at me differently and I can see that my trust quotient has dropped significantly. Of course, I don't chime in when I see that it's a personal conversation, but I have had people tell me that I'd make a great spy. They have no idea how hard I work at lip reading and for the most part really couldn't care less. Throw some alcohol in the mix and that's when people say things that they really shouldn't. But, it does get quite humorous and I have some great stories to share with Brian on the way home.
Since getting my FM system, I've learned to alert those around me as to how it works and my ability to hear a lot more than most of them can with just their ears. Some people clam right up and others get a little irritated with the fact that they now have to watch what they say. There have been times when I've changed the settings on my receiver so that I can only hear what is coming at me and nothing from behind me. Sometimes, you just don't need to know about the latest rumor or argument someone has had. The hardest thing is not saying anything when I hear my name come up. People who I thought 'got it' will move on and in some cases, say some pretty hurtful things about my intelligence or lack of hearing ability when they think they are out of my hearing range. You have to develop a thick skin and learn to let things go. Yeah, Right!
So, with the holidays coming up, here a few tips for you. I must give credit to Dr. Sam Trychin on some of these things. He's a very talented guy in that not only does he have hearing loss, he's also made it his life work to educate and pass on his knowledge to others living in the same world. And, he's married to an audiologist (Janet Trychin, Au.D.). Talk about having the best hearing health care right in your house! If you would like to know more about him, he has published several books and even has a workshop series on hearing issues. His website is: www.trychin.com. He was the guest on a live web chat on the Hearing Loss Association of America website, December 11. (Look for promos of these live webchats from HLAA. You can submit questions ahead of time for experts to answer.
Tips for Surviving the Holidays in the Hearing World.
Be up front with those around you as to what you can and cannot hear.
I know none of us likes to draw attention to what some perceive as a deficit. But, come on, how are we supposed to even begin to get on a level playing field if our opponents don't know the rules of the game? Do you really want to answer a question wrong or totally go off topic with one of your comments just because you didn't hear all that was being said?
Do you know how ridiculous this makes you look? Take a few minutes to let the others around you know how best to communicate with you. The music playing in the background may be a nice ambiance enhancement for them, but for us, it's one more thing to try and tune out and boy, does it interfere with our hearing capability. A lot of us will be put in a situation of only hearing noise, not language once the background music starts. Think of what you hear if you are underwater at a very busy swimming pool. That is very similar to what those with hearing loss hear all of the time once you add too much auditory stimulation into our world. Our brains just can't process all of it! Even if we are wearing hearing aids. And, mentally, you have no idea how hard we are now working to just focus on the person talking to us. No wonder we look like we are in another world at times. We are tired!
So, don't be afraid to ask the host to turn down the Christmas Carols or better yet, see if there is a quiet corner away from any speakers where you can have your back against the wall. This will eliminate a lot of the background noise from behind you that tends to interfere with your speech comprehension. And, it gives you something to lean against! (ha)
Just when you think someone 'gets it', you realize that you have a lot more educating to do.
I was once with a group of friends at a party and in the process of updating them on my latest hearing aids, one of them actually said to me, "Now that I know how bad your hearing is, it makes total sense why you are such a crafter.” What? Are you trying to tell me that all that I am capable of doing is knitting, making stained glass, etc., because of my hearing loss? Needless to say, I had to keep my response to myself. Just when you think someone gets it, you realize that you have a lot more educating to do. It's very true that hearing loss may not take your life, but I've seen a lot of people that have let it destroy it. There are a lot of us out here that have lots of issues such as isolation, discrimination, depression and lack of self-esteem. You get people with looks of What's the Big Deal? when you start telling them about your hearing loss. I guess that the best thing to do when that happens is to turn the topic of the conversation back to them. After all, it's quite obvious that is their main interest. Learn to have a sense of humor at these gatherings.
Give yourself a break!
After you've been working so hard to hear all that is being said, you need to take a time-out. If this means that you need to go and see what needs to be done in the kitchen, go outside for few minutes or go and sit in that corner away from all of the activity. It will give your brain a rest and you will be much better prepared to jump back in and tackle the next conversation.
If you are going to be at a dinner party, try and pick the people that are going to be seated on either side of you with the intent that you are familiar with their way of communication and you will have a much easier time keeping up with the conversation.
I find that if I openly declare what the topic is, I can usually put together the missing pieces via lip reading if I'm not getting the whole thing via my ears. Repeat some of what they are saying when you respond to validate that you are still on the right topic. If they know you very well at all, they will understand and in all likelihood start repeating what you say as part of their response. If you know that the seating is pre-arranged, contact the host/hostess and request the people that you wish to sit next to. I know that this is not always possible, and if that's the case, see if you can at least sit with your back to the wall at the end of a table. If there are several tables being used, choose the one that is on the fringes of the room. That way, you won't be right in the middle of all of the noise.
One of our many faults in the hearing loss world is that we tend to take over the conversation.
It's the safest way for us to have control of what is being said. I'm very guilty of this. After all if we are the ones doing the talking, we don't have to work as hard at listening. But, the downside to this is that people will tend to think of you as a know-it-all and it will also give them the impression that you are really full of yourself! (ha) So, try and give up some of that control and get on the roller coaster. The ride may get a little bumpy, but at least you are giving others the chance to be a part of the conversation.
When all else fails, and you are really not doing a good job at keeping up with the conversations, have a signal for the person that you are with that will let them know that you are totally lost.
If Brian or the kids are with me, all that I have to do is give them a certain look and they know to jump in and helping me out. The other side of this is that if I start to answer things incorrectly, they also let me know that I'm messing up. Some people have a problem with this tactic and get very irritated with the person that is trying to help them out. Wrong attitude! If you want those around you to be on your team, you have to give them permission to let you know when you have not heard something right. Sure, it can be embarrassing, but that's where a sense of humor comes in.
I miss the punch line of jokes!
I can't tell you how many times I've had to ask one of my family members later to tell me the ending. Then, I get frustrated when they can't remember! If someone you are with is telling a joke, they usually tend to lower their voice when it's time for the punch line. If you can't hear them and your lip reading skills aren't working either (they tend to lower their heads also), don't be afraid to ask the person next to you to repeat. Holiday and family gatherings are great places to hear new stories and jokes. Have a few of your own to share.
Enjoy the season.
Enjoy the season and take advantage of all of the gatherings. Sure, it's easier to stay home and be 'safe', but you really will be missing out on a lot of fun. And besides, how will you find out what Aunt Edna is up to if you don't go to the party?
Tami Klink is an HLAA member and founder of the Lake County Chapter in Wales, Wisconsin.
